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The hipster dreams of Final Destination (2000)

Updated: Jan 20, 2021

I went to the Showcase cinema in Batley to see Final Destination when it first came out, and I was totally into it. The premise remains AWESOME:

After a teenager has a terrifying vision of him and his classmates dying in a plane explosion, he saves himself and a few others only to have Death hunt them down one by one.

But going back to it now, I'm surprised at how flat it is. The whole thing is a bit laboured. It's sloooooooooow, which is crazy when it's only 98 minutes. And the dialogue is flat as fuck. If this had zingy dialogue, it would be so much more fun. Diablo Cody needs to go back in time and sort it out.

So why should you care?


Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) sports the most 2000-era hipster jeans of all time. There is never a point when her full midriff is not exposed, through that winning combo of ultra-low-rise, barely covering the pubes jeans and cropped high neck top.

I lived in this combo in the late 1990s (my personal preference: XL denim dungarees, belted as low on the hips as possible, top half folded down over belt and O'Neill crop trop). I can only hope that Clear has a thong as well, for the full whale tail experience.

THESE ARE THE HIPSTERS OF YOUR DREAMS PEOPLE. Not modern day hipsters you people thought this post was about. You see, I am full of surprises

The curiously un-empathetic protagonist Alex Browning (Devon Sawa). He's only really interesting he loses his shit in a cabin in a woods and eats a tin of something viscous, slimy and evidently gross. I can't even tell if its... yoghurt? congealed tuna? egg custard? What the fuck are you eating Alex? This will not help your sanity

Research, Y2K style

Clear is welding. This skill turns out to have... absolutely no impact on anything ever

OMG Alex's baggy beige cotton trousers. My ex was massively into this look, a la Chino Moreno in Deftones. He nicked my poor old Dad's beige chinos out of his wardrobe (my dad being of a somewhat larger build) and wore them to slam at The Garage club night at The Cockpit in Leeds. They were never the same again.

Single scene Candyman! Unfortunately cast here as the magical negro stereotype, the 'Black stock character who possesses spiritual wisdom or psychic insight and who exists mainly to enlighten the White protagonist'. This is cringe and wasteful. Still, Tony Todd acts both the kids off the screen.

what is this doll wearing a fez in the foreground. what is. it

Teacher Valerie Lewton [VAL LEWTON FOR 40s HORROR FANS] makes a nice cup of tea. All the character name references to black and white horror films are the best bit of the film. The teacher is named after the producer of Cat People, for goodness sake!

But if the filmmakers really know their old school horror stuff (and praise be) then why is the film so flat?

If you cite Murnau, Dreyer and Weine, surely you should just make an amazing film - by pure osmosis? It's that easy, right?

Sean William Scott is devastated at playing a character with absolutely no purpose

escape by canoe. I am keeping stock of the use of canoes in horror films. Like stabberscotch and nice cups of tea

I do live for the Night of the Demon (1957) reference though.



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